The smell of death

I open my eyes and the first thing that wakes my senses up is that smell.  That awful, putrid smell of pain, sorrow and death.  The smell of detox.  It lingers.  It gets stuck in your nose.  No matter how many showers you take, it comes back. A reminder that every part of your body knows you dont have heroin.  Even your sense of smell.

For someone who has never been addicted the thought of detox probably brings to mind thoughs like “its like the flu” “let them go through it, they will live”.  Every addict knows that detox isnt to be taken lightly and is like a freight train coming head on…fast.

I lay on my sofa, wanting to die.  How did i get myself into this…again?   Im living in hell.  Why wont my legs just lay still?  WHY? why does the thought of just laying here feel like its driving me INSANE.  If i could just cut them off it would stop.  I cant cut my legs off, not even possible or rational. I scream and kick as i beat my legs with my fist.  JUST STOP!!  Why wont you just lay still!!!!

Now im sweating…but its cold.  Ill cover up, ew, this blanket smells like detox.  Oh well, im hot now anyways.  God this has to stop.  I could call and get a front.  Im broke as hell and in debt but i get paid in two days, yes…he will def front me.  No, no, no i shouldnt do that.  I have suboxone.  Only 12 more hours of this an i can take the suboxone.  12 MORE HOURS!  Every minute feels like an hour.  Time trickles by.  Why did i do this to myself again? 

I can make it.  If only i could just sleep, even for an hour.  I would be so grateful.  Just an hour, please god. Just an hour.  

Why is my stomach cramping so bad.  It feels like knives cutting deep into my guts.  Oh im nauseous.  Dry heaves.  I havent eaten.  Ofcourse i going to throw up that horrible burning bile that comes from deep in your stomach.  My legs driving me insane wasnt enough?  Now i cant stop throwing this putrid bile up?  Just a bag would make this hell stop. Just a bag. 

This blanket.  This damn blanket that reakes of detox feels like its a huge weight cutting into me.  Just get off!!!  Dont touch me.  Nothing touch me.  I feel like an alien in ny own body.  I want to peel my skin off. Thats crazy, cant do that.  Just deal with it.  It has to be almost time to take my suboxone.  It has to be.  ONLY 15 minutes has gone by.  Jesus.  Just a bag would stop this.

My brain itches.  An itch i cant scratch.  I just want to cry.  Jesus christ, how can not having a drug do all of this to my brain and body.  Just kill me.  Im a fuck up anyways.  I have imprisoned myself in a cage of pain and ill never get out.  Just kill me.  Only 11 more hours….

#detox #heroin #survival #dailypost #pain 

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5 thoughts on “The smell of death

  1. A living hell, we often wonder why? i’m also a using addict, only i’ve not chosen heroin, i’ve chosen, cocaine, rock and speed (jib) ifinn they call it that…

    Hang in there, you know it’s a living hell, minute by minute, hour by hour, just hang in there, you know the drill, moment by moment…

    hugs & kisses within love chris

    Like

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