Im not bad, im just drawn this way.

My eyes opened to a man starring at me with a concerned look on his face.  Who is this guy?  What does he want and why cant i move?  Looking around i see a vitals monitor and an iv bag.  Shit, he is an EMT.  Shit, i am in the back of an ambulance.  Shit, shit, shit…i must have O’D.  

I didnt try to fuck my life up by using heroin, it just kind of happened.  I havent royally screwed my life up, i have a decent job, a car and a roof over my head.  It could be worse.  I have, however manage to blow through a small fortune, cause worry to those i love and most of the time im just keeping my head above water.  Heroin is why i cant have nice things.  Heroin is also the reason i almost died today.

There is a first time for everything and this was my first overdose.  In 15 years of using it had never happened to me.  Heroin’s deadly kiss had touched many people i knew and cared for, and for some it was their last kiss.  

I tried to convince the EMTs and police to let me out of the ambulance, i was fine.  I just wanted to go home.  Get in my car i was pulled from in a gas station parking lot, and go home.  I felt fine, hospitals arent my thing.  Besides, i had a boyfriend at home who was dope sick and needed some of the half gram in my purse the police somehow did not find.  I was being forced to go to the hospital…so off i went, strapped to a gurney.  

Overdosing for me wasnt like i thought it would maybe be like.  I had always thought i would feel it coming on, like some kind of warning would alert me.  Nope.  I got in my car and all of a sudden darkness.  Total blackness with no warning.  I could have died and i wouldnt have known the difference.  You would think an experience like this would make me stop. You would think i would wake up and realize the deadly game i was playing.  Nope.  Thats the thing with heroin, you dont think.  Its a friend thats always there.  Its a warm blanket when your cold.  It can make everything ok.  Until you have no more money to feed the beast, then it truly rears its ugly head, more on that later.  

I made it home to a very worried boyfriend and needless to say, we consumed the half gram, afterall why let good dope go to waste?  

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24 thoughts on “Im not bad, im just drawn this way.

  1. Thank you for directing me to this post. Your first? I’m following you now, which puts me on the list of people who don’t want you to die. See, even with my knowledge of addiction, I’m not above throwing you the guilt card.
    The first time my son OD’d, he flatlined and it was me who got his heart going again. When the paramedics reached us they did their stuff, but it wasn’t working. As we were being told that there wasn’t much hope, he sprang to life. He OD’d again 3 weeks later. Again I rescucitated him. I finally accepted the fact I’d read about so many times; Heroin makes you believe it is more important than food and shelter; worth the game of Russian Roulette.
    Nothing I could tell you of his addiction, or that of his sister, would be news to you. You’ve seen it all before. This is no more than me reaching out a hand of friendship to you.
    I hope you’ll continue to blog, and follow the blogs of addicts in recovery. Naturally, I hope you’ll knock that bastard drug on the head, but whether you do or not, please know that you have my respect and regard.
    And thank you, for sharing this excellent, honest post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi jane, thank u for reaching out. Yes this is my very first blog/post. Ive always had a lot in my head but never really tried to get it out. I want to write more. About recovery, and what all i have been through. I hope i can. I wanted to write back sooner but i wasnt feeling great yesterday, i started suboxone today. Feeling better now. Im sorry to hear about all u have been through. Just know its not that the ppl u love who are addicted do not care about u, or your feelings. They only know one way not to hurt and feel like dying. Unfortunately its a wolf in sheeps cothing because thats the same way that is actually destroying us. Thanks again for reaching out the hand of friendship, its appteciated.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The lead-up to suboxone is tough going. In the UK the drugs services tend to push methodone, and addicts usually stick to it, because they can use on top, and feel the effects. Many people go to the drugs services, not to get clean, but to have backup if they can’t get heroin. It’s not an ideal situation, and means that those who are seriously wanting to get clean have to wait longer for attention.
        Congratulations on getting to where you are today. It’s a brave step.

        Like

    • Thank u and i am. I wish it was just people that were reminders! Its everything almost. Before she passed i couldnt even walk into my grandmothers bathroom without thinking of using because i had used in there. Its the hardest mental game ever played. Thank u for reaching out!! I appreciate it

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello darling!

    Grand post, nice you here with us living…

    i’m an addict living on the street, i’m looking a BMX, that i had thought lost, nonetheless do to my drug use, spent a whole morning looking for this bike!

    Now because it’s dark will have to come back tomorrow..

    Yeah interesting life we live…

    hugs & kisses chris

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Glad you are OK ❤️
    Shared in the Stop the Silence Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/heroinstopthesilence/

    writing and speaking out can give you the support you need to find recovery. There are so many people who want to help you succeed. Reaching out with this blog is a great way to connect with them. 💜find your Village, they will help you through.

    Keep Writing
    Keep Shouting
    Keep Hoping
    One day … One hour …One Minute…. One Second at a time

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Michele says:

    My heart goes out to you for I love an addict. I cried many tears, paid many dollars and begged because I would do anything to try and save him. Then I read a blog one day that said the only one not sleeping is you…and it home. So now I pray and support the best I can without enabling. Keep writing; you will touch so many lives. Today you touched mine with your honesty. Your past doesn’t define you, it is what you do tomorrow. You can do this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank u! I always felt awful for the way i hurt my loved ones even if i didnt show it. Just know, they still care about u…the only thing someone can think of when they are dope sick is getting well. But u are right, u shoudnt enable. Us drug addicts can be pretty manipuative when we need to be to get our fix and feel human again. Hang in there!

      Like

  5. Jackie says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. From the sister of an addict, please get help. My little sister od’d in my bathroom almost 2 weeks ago. I will never forget every detail of that night. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. My 4 children where home & awake. It was terrifying. You are very loved. You are worth living for. Please don’t forget that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! I bet that was horrible. I was gone for my OD but i cant imagine how awful it would have been if someone who loved me was there. Keep your head up and hang in there. Suboxone is helping me immensely. Its the withdraws i cant stand and it helps with that

      Like

  6. Lalalo83, my heart goes out to you and I am praying that you find the strength to break free from this terrible demon. I thank the Lord every day that my 22 year old Daughter is in recovery now and I am sure that there are many people in your life that will be eternally gratefull once you find your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. r says:

    This is my exact experience, you took the words right out of my mouth. August 28th, two months ago, after six years using I overdosed the first time. You’re absolutely not alone. I hope the best for you and that you find the strength to get away from it for good ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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